Scale pic...

I started my weight loss journey at 319 pounds. All along the way I posted my "scale" pictures as the weight came off. I really slacked off the past year so I am going to start posting it again. My new scale measures body fat which I never kept track of before. It's pretty exciting.

Weekends

So I'm one night into the weekend. Last night was successful and I stayed completely on plan...but...I'm sitting here this afternoon and we are getting ready for a bbq with my dad and I am contemplating eating the dessert I am making and having a wine cooler. Decisions are hard. I wish I could eat other some things like desert and not over do it. I keep saying to myself "I have goals. " sigh!!

Update:made myself a cup of hot tea with some real creamer in it. The sweetness is helping me, for this moment anyway. 

So dang hard..

Normally on Friday nights I will have my cheat night. Usually it's lots of pizza and boneless wings and lots of alcohol. (I'm just being honest) I have talked about this before but my cheat nights would extend into the weekend and I noticed that I wasn't loosing weight and worst of all I was falling into a depression because I knew I wasn't making good choices. 

I am so excited to report that somehow I was able to not cheat at all last night. I went to Zumba, came home, at a chicken wrap, watched tv with my husband, and then went to bed. Sound birding? Yes it sure does but I think I've had enough fun over the years and if I want to reach my goals I have to do this. I have to make better choices. I prayed and told God that I couldn't do it without him. I need Him desperately. I can not do this on my own. 

Some people think I'm too obsessed. They say things like " you look great already, why do you have to get to 150 pounds" or I get "you have to have a cheat night to be successful" and the best one "as long as your exercising you can eat whatever you want. " I hear it all, but I know ultimatly I have to live with my decisions. I know how I feel about myself when I don't eat right or when I don't exercise. So as the great musician Michal Jackson sang "I'm gonna make a change, for once in my life. It's gonna feel real good I'm gonna make a difference I'm gonna make it right. " 

With that said, this is hard. It's hard to make decisions on your own knowing that someone else thinks your boring or doing it wrong. I feel very alone and kind of scared. In my heart I know I'm making the right decisions by not drinking and passing up the high sodium high fat "fun" foods, but it doesn't make it easier. This is such a lonely journey. But....

Here's to a better life. 

Nail polish

It's no secret that I am constantly looking for more ways to be healthy. One of those ways was trying to find a nail polish solution that worked for me. With regular store bought nail polishes my nails seem to crack and just flake. It's horrible. I tried jamberry nails, and I like them, but they are really hard to apply. I can only assume that the bad chemicals in nail polishes are the culprit for me. My girlfriend who I met in Zumba class actually makes non toxic polishes that do not contain any of these chemicals commonly found in store bought polishes (Tolyene-helps suspend the color and form a smooth finish across the nail. It also affects the central nervous system and can cause headaches dizziness and fatigue. It is also possibly linked to reproductive and developmental toxins. Impairs breathing, causes nausea, causes developmental damage to the fetus, and is linked to malignant lymphoma. Formaldehyde-found in some nail products such as nail hardener and is also known as the human carcinogen. It's used to embalm dead bodies. Camphor-exposure to this toxin can cause irritation, nausea, dizziness, and headaches. When ingested can be linked to seizures and in rare cases cause liver damage when applied to skin.) 😧 I do not want those things on my nails. Amy's polishes are mood changing polishes and change color from hot to cold. I LOVE them. I can't wait to buy all the colors. This one is blue/purple. One thing (among many) that I love about her polishes is they dry so dang fast. 

You can visit her Etsy store here: 

https://www.etsy.com/shop/AhHaNailLacquer?ref=hdr_shop_menu

The movies...

I really considered eating all the popcorn tonight at the movie theater, but I thought to myself "you have goals," and I brought my own snacks instead. It never gets easier, just more rewarding.

Still trying

I'm sitting here this morning watching "extreme weight loss. " I LOVE watching these kind of shows because they speak to my heart and I relate to them so much. Today's show is a woman about my age who weighed 349 pounds. She is quite a mess. She is sad and her self esteem is very very low. Wow! Sounds exactly like I used to be and sometimes still am. 

I cried for her while I was watching. My heart bleeds for people like this...for people like me. 

One thing about this show that makes me so sad is that these people actually reach there goals within a year or two. I have never been to my goal. I keep thinking "I need to crack the code. " 

I do feel like I am making better choices. If I can power through the weekends then I know I will loose weight. You just can't do good all week and then eat horrible on the weekends. It just doesn't work that way. My one weakness right now is peanut butter and honey on a slice of bread with a glass of milk. It seems like I cannot get through the day without eating that late at night. It has always been my go to snack. But it doesn't necessarily fit into my calorie for the day. It's these little things I would like to improve on. Someday, someday I will weigh 150 pounds. 

My raw feelings on still being obese...

I hope this link works. 

http://youtu.be/OR6XuGqAEjU

A little step forward...

so there is a little bit of weight loss. I can't wait to be under 200 pounds again. I logged into myfitnesspal yesterday and was shocked to find that the last time I logged in I weighed 184. That is devastating to me. I have really taken many steps back. I'm trying to figure out what went wrong and why I gained so much weight over the past five months or so. I can only blame it on my cheat days and my drinking nights. There is no other explanation. Before I got married I didn't need cheat days and although I did a little bit of drinking once a week I believe I drink more now. Don't hear me wrong, I don't have a problem with alcohol but I do believe I was consuming it too much and that is obvious since I've gained weight instead of loosing. It's amazing how I can totally sabotage my weight loss just on the weekends. 

I'm hoping that I am starting a new trend. Last weekend I didn't drink at all and I didn't have any cheat meals. I am aiming for the same results this weekend. 

I feel excited about things again. 

Update on me...making strides...

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What do I want

I've definitely been on the road of self-discovery lately. I can be very confusing finding out what you really want in life. In many areas of my life I already have what I want, a good marriage, great kids, couldn't relationship with God. Somehow I am never satisfied with my weight loss goals. I don't feel like I'm finished, I want more. 

There are so many things I've done right. I've completely changed my way of living and as a result of lost 120 pounds. That's amazing! On the flipside of that I still weigh 200 pounds, and it's 50 pounds heavier than I should be. I've been in this place for two and a half years now. In those two and half years I have still for the most part eating healthy and exercised but I haven't fully committed to losing weight. Just recently in the past two weeks I've finally come to a place mentally where I am fully committed to losing this weight. That's begins the journey of trying to figure out how.

In those tuna half years of trying to figure out how I have tried many different options. None of these options seem to have worked for me. I did get down to 184 pounds, unfortunately I gained it all back and am now back up to 200 pounds. I realize that something is drastic has to change for me to reach my goals. 

This is not easy because I feel like I'm back at the beginning, when I weigh 319 pounds, and I was battling my self. I am most definitely back in the place. I don't know what's going to work for me, but I feel like I need to go back to the basics. I'm going to start blogging again, and I am currently researching the vegan lifestyle. I don't know exactly if it's what I want to do, but I'm living the life already about 50%. It's kind of thrilling to think about starting something new and hard. I can do really hard things so I am interested to see if I can do this. More to come...

The gym

I reinstated my gym membership today. I am a excited to start doing something for myself again. Ill update more later. 

Goals and wishes

I'm so sad lately about my weight loss, or should I say my non-weight loss. How did I loose my focus? I have been helping my husband with our home business but instead of it being a part time job, it has turned into a full time job and I have lost my excitement for the things I love. I just got so discouraged and stressed out. Now I'm sitting here on the couch, it's 5:44 in the morning and wondering what has changed? How did I let life get to me like that? I've been eating cookies for goodness sake. Uggg!! I don't have the answers. I wish I could unlock the key to success. I want to hit my goal weight so bad but I'm letting myself get in the way.
I suspended my gym membership. The kids are out of school and I just wasn't finding the time to go. Instead I was doing at home work outs but I have found that it's really boring after awhile and I miss the people at the gym, and I miss my cardio classes. I want my old schedule back. I really should stop belly aching and just go resubmit my membership. I'm so afraid of going backwards. I weigh 200 pounds again. Now I have 50 pounds to go to get to my goal. Sigh! That makes me sad.