Monday, August 8, 2016

Finding peace

 I received some very thoughtful comments after my last confusing blog post.  I thought in response to those I would just give a little update.  The last three years have been very hard on me.   I can't go into very much detail but it's been quite a journey for me to adjust too.  Don't get me wrong, I love my life right now but I have learned a lot about myself through the trials I have faced the last 3 1/2 years.  I have learned that I have a very addictive personality and I tend to run to very unhealthy habits when times get tough.  Fortunately, I am strong enough to know that I was going down an unhealthy path and I was able to stop myself from going there, but I had to stop and ask myself a question...Why do I keep falling into these traps?  I desperately want to be healthy inside and outside but I just couldn't seem to reach my goals so I had to do some soul-searching. In a search for some significance in this life I can honestly say that I'm finding my purpose. Each day I study...I read a lot...I eat fresh whole foods...I stay away from alcohol(which to be honest is hard for me since I tend to want to medicate when times get tough)...I exercise...and I pray. I believe practicing all these things each and every day has really helped me to focus on the things that matter in life instead of worrying about everyone around me or worrying about  my future and what's going to happen to me. Of course for me to accomplish all these things requires quite a long day for me. I wake up at five o'clock to fit it all in. I don't mind, although my husband thinks I'm crazy to give up sleep for reading. ) I have never required much sleep so it's not a huge sacrifice for me. I think the last time I slept in was before I had my first baby at nineteen. Crazy right? What's even crazier is that baby is now 20.

So, I guess I feel like in starting over on this blog. It's easy to get discouraged but I refuse to quit. My starting weight when I started writing here was 319. I lost 135 pounds but unfortunately I have gained back about 34 pounds in the last three years. Is that what marriage does to you? What am I doing now? Well, I am back in the gym. Today I did body pump. I am on a mostly plant and healthy starch diet. I am feeding my body and my soul some good food. I am just praying it all makes a difference.

And for the record, and since I've always tried to be homes here, here is a scale picture. My BMI is very high. I will be working to get that down. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2016


I never thought that the people closest to me would be the ones to judge me so badly. I never imagined that my journey to reach my goals would reach a screeching halt because of this. I never thought that anyone cared what I put in my mouth (healthy fruits and veggies and proteins) would cause such a disturbance in my family. I never thought I would have to fight so hard for happiness and peace. I can not wait to get to heaven. 

Sunday, November 8, 2015

16 years and bad dreams

Today my first born son (Matthew) turns 16. He doesn't live with me so I won't get to spend the day with him but his dad will. It's makes me sad but I am also very happy he is doing well at his dad's. About a year ago I let him decide who he wanted to live with. After being with me for fifteen years he decided it would be fun to spend time with dad. I agreed with him. It was time. It sure doesn't make it easier on me. I miss him desperately. 

I'm up at five again this morning. My normal waking time is about six but with the time change I think my body is still being weird. For some reason I have consistently been having bad dreams. I don't even want to sleep anymore so that I can make the dreams stop. They usually involve scary things like my husband leaving or someone hurting my son Skyler because he won't behave. I'm so tired of it. I always wake up in a black cloud and spend the morning trying to shake it off. Sigh! 

Today is day four on my nutrition plan from my personal trainer. It's going well but I am going over my calories every single day. At night I'm eating two slices of bread with organic peanut butter and honey on it. If I could skip that evening snack then I would be closer to my calorie goals. My first "official" paid meeting with the PT is Tuesday so I will talk to him about it. In the meantime I'm not exercising. I feel a bit out of shape for not doing so but that will change soon. 

It hasn'tnt been easy this weekend. Normally I participate in all the eating and drinking and then live to regret but I have been able to say no to myself and just drink a cup of tea instead. I'm so proud. To be honest it felt really great to not have a hangover or to be bloated from too much pizza the night before. I'm happy!! 

I always have to remember that life is what you make of it. God put us here on earth to enjoy ourselves but also to be wise about it along the way. 

We went to the zoo yesterday as a family. We currently have our house for sale and we needed to be out for a house showing. Here is a picture i had taken
. I sure love him. ❤️❤️❤️ 

Also, to the lady who wanted to be my weight loss buddy, I tried to email you but it was returned. My email address is 

Thursday, November 5, 2015

The struggle

The struggle is real. Have I said that before? I recently hired a personal trainer, and by recently, I mean two days ago. Since I got married nearly three years ago I have not been able to pull it together. I know what I'm doing wrong and I only have myself to blame. I should be stronger, regardless of who is around me and the choices they are making. Info not have to feel guilty for saying no. I made the decision to get a trainer because I can't do this on my own. I have gained a good twenty pounds since my marriage. My life has changed and so the way I have done things in the past are not working. My first personal training session is this Tuesday. In the meantime he has me on a nutrition plan. Crossing my fingers and praying a lot. 

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Scale pic...

I started my weight loss journey at 319 pounds. All along the way I posted my "scale" pictures as the weight came off. I really slacked off the past year so I am going to start posting it again. My new scale measures body fat which I never kept track of before. It's pretty exciting.

Saturday, July 18, 2015


So I'm one night into the weekend. Last night was successful and I stayed completely on plan...but...I'm sitting here this afternoon and we are getting ready for a bbq with my dad and I am contemplating eating the dessert I am making and having a wine cooler. Decisions are hard. I wish I could eat other some things like desert and not over do it. I keep saying to myself "I have goals. " sigh!!

Update:made myself a cup of hot tea with some real creamer in it. The sweetness is helping me, for this moment anyway. 

So dang hard..

Normally on Friday nights I will have my cheat night. Usually it's lots of pizza and boneless wings and lots of alcohol. (I'm just being honest) I have talked about this before but my cheat nights would extend into the weekend and I noticed that I wasn't loosing weight and worst of all I was falling into a depression because I knew I wasn't making good choices. 

I am so excited to report that somehow I was able to not cheat at all last night. I went to Zumba, came home, at a chicken wrap, watched tv with my husband, and then went to bed. Sound birding? Yes it sure does but I think I've had enough fun over the years and if I want to reach my goals I have to do this. I have to make better choices. I prayed and told God that I couldn't do it without him. I need Him desperately. I can not do this on my own. 

Some people think I'm too obsessed. They say things like " you look great already, why do you have to get to 150 pounds" or I get "you have to have a cheat night to be successful" and the best one "as long as your exercising you can eat whatever you want. " I hear it all, but I know ultimatly I have to live with my decisions. I know how I feel about myself when I don't eat right or when I don't exercise. So as the great musician Michal Jackson sang "I'm gonna make a change, for once in my life. It's gonna feel real good I'm gonna make a difference I'm gonna make it right. " 

With that said, this is hard. It's hard to make decisions on your own knowing that someone else thinks your boring or doing it wrong. I feel very alone and kind of scared. In my heart I know I'm making the right decisions by not drinking and passing up the high sodium high fat "fun" foods, but it doesn't make it easier. This is such a lonely journey. But....

Here's to a better life.