I actually went on a date yesterday. You know, it was the kind of date that the guy actually opens the doors for you and pays for the meal. Yeah, that kind of date. It was nice. The guy who I will call "S" was super sweet, mature, didn't cuss, great dad, hard worker, has his own car, clean teeth, smelled great, handsome and was able to carry a great conversation with me. Here are my concerns. S is a BIG guy...and when I say big I mean 6'2 and probably close to 400 pounds. Its funny though how a guy can be that big but still be handsome but when a gal is that big its just unacceptable.
Let me explain myself. I have been over three hundred pounds and only 5'6 so its pretty much the same as being 6'2 and 400 pounds. I have no right to say to this very sweet man that I don't want to date him because of his weight. But I'm having some reservations about him. He isn't trying to loose weight at all right now, and he is already suffering from sleep apnea and sever snoring because of his weight. Being over weight like that can KILL you eventually, not to mention that being that overweight makes you grow old very fast. Ive worked so hard to NOT be that big because I don't want to grow old fast and I don't want to be dependant on a sleep machine because I stop breathing in the middle of the night because I'm to fat to breath on my own.
Its almost been a year that I have been working on my weight loss. Its been a hard road, and Ive worked really hard at it. Its a really hard decision for me to date someone who is where I was almost a year ago and isn't ready to make changes. I want to be able to do things, be young, run, hike mountains, ride bikes, live, chase my kids...and do all that while being healthy and skinny. I cant share those things with a person who is 400 pounds.
OK lay it on me gals...am I being selfish? I am going to go out with S again, and I probably will have a talk with him about my concerns and let him know that we cant be in a serious relationship because of my concerns....but I feel horrible like I'm being mean.
What do you think?
Disclaimer:
When I originally made the title for this post "Your to fat" I did it because I have been told before (by a man that I was dating) that I was to fat to date him. He told me that he would see me but not "officially" because essentially I was "to fat" for him. I didn't do it to hurt or call my date this weekend (S) fat. Sheesh!! I think he reads my blog and I didn't realize that until after I posted this.
17 comments:
Way to go on your weight loss! Your looking really good. I don't know what to say about the date. To tell him he is too fat does seem kind of mean but if he can't keep up with the lifestyle you wish to have then I don't see how it could work. I don't know if I would tell him this on the second date. Maybe see where things go and get to know him better before talking about your concerns. Maybe, you can help him get healthy again.
Hmmm.... that's a hard one. I'm going through a somewhat similar thing right now, and it's honestly not even about the activities, but just a health thing. If I'm considering starting a life with someone, I would want our future family to be healthy. Is there a reason he doesn't want to lose weight? Does he see it as an issue?
I'd proceed with caution, but that's just me. You also don't want him to drag you back into old habits.
Im glad you enjoyed your date. I know you feel mean, but you can't change someone. And you definately don't want to backslide on all your hard work. I wouldn't tell him its because of his lifestyle, but let him down slowly.
you look great in your photo
First, I totally agree that the standards are really unfair. A heavy guy can be cute and attractive, but it is very rarely that someone would say that about a woman who is equally heavy.
I kind of feel like being overweight, especially when it gets into obese stage, is very similar to being an alcoholic. When you do lose the weight, it's almost as if you are always going to be in danger of falling off the wagon and gaining it back. And the people you hang out with do affect you. If you were a recovering alcholic, you wouldn't date someone who gets drunk regularly.. so I definitely see your point. However, maybe he wants to lose weight too and you would be a great motivator and very inspiring with your own weight loss. Keep us posted!
FIrst, congrats. Wow. You look great.
I know it may seem a little mean or shallow, but really it's not. It clearly isn't about looks or you wouldn't have gone on a date with him to begin with, and you have already described him as handsome. I totally understand where you're coming from, and it really is about living, and living well. About health, and your struggle with it. About goals or desires for your life, and if you can't match up on a big thing then all the little things don't really matter. It's scary to think that something (someone) could unintentionally cause you to sabotage all that you've worked HARD for. I, too, would, and have, avoided those people or scenarios for that reason. I didn't want their unhealthy lifestyle or choices to affect MY lifestyle/ choices. I would certainly talk to him about it, and tell him about your aprehension, but don't completely write him off yet. Maybe he just hasn't had the courage, or support, or incentive. Maybe he could become your new weight loss partner. :D Good luck!
Rebeckah,
I would probably hold out a little while on telling him. It may not even be headed to sonething serious so no reason to have to bring it up right yet. If it heads towards something more serious or lasting, I would ask him if you're journey to being healthy would offend him or be something he isn't interested in. Let him know you would want someone to be active with you, healthy with you, and not bringing bad foods and habits back into your life.
Be gentle because he probably is very insecure about his weight, yet assertive enough to let him know the healthy lifestyle/relationship you're looking for.
It just came to me but I don't know if I would even talk about a serious relationship or not.. It's just date number 2.
First of all; you look great!
Second; no your not selfish. I think it is your right to date who you want. For whatever reason! You have worked so hard to change your lifestyle. I can't blame you for not wanting to be with someone who is back where you started. I would be afraid that I would just go back to my old ways.
If he is someone that you just can't live without, then maybe he would like to change his lifestyle?
But to answer your question, I think your justified to have those feelings!
First of all, you look Amazing! Just comparing it to your photos in the header of your visit with Ty last summer and it is just such a huge difference - Congratulations!
I agree with Deanna that you should proceed with caution because you don't want a guy to drag you back into old habits. If he was on the same path to health as you and could take long romantic walks, etc as you it would be so much better. Good for you also getting back into the dating pool :)
Thank you for the great information! I would not have discovered this otherwise!.
You look amazing, well done on the hard work!!!
You can't help how you feel and I think your reasons are very ligitimate ones (ie. not just cosmetic) but maybe give it a while before you have any serious talks...? But then if he reads your blog then the work is probably already done for you...! ;)
First, you look great in your picture. Your weight loss has been amazing.
And second, I really don't think you have the right to say anything to this man about his weight. If you do, you will be a hypocrite. IT would be like a smoker telling someone to quit smoking.
I think more than the weight... it is the LIFESTYLE that S is living. This makes perfect sense to me. No, I do not think that you are wrong in this. You have decided to make the choices in your life to be happy and healthy. That means you want to MOVE. Get out in the world. What was it that got you to your highest weight... for me it was unhappiness. I am more than my weight . So are you and so is S. It seems as though you like S. I think this was a great post, because YOU are realizing what you do and do NOT want in your life. BRAVO!
Keep us posted!
Have a pretty day!
Kristin
Hmm, what I am *hearing* is that you are on a journey to a thinner and healthier you, he is not. Maybe if her were actively trying to lose weight and be more active you might feel differently, it would be something you are doing together. Otherwise it could be damaging to your goals.
Congrats on your success so far, you look great :).
Girl, I think you are getting ahead of yourself here. You and I of all people know how it feels to be judged for our weight when inside we are really nice people who for one reason or another found ourselves eating our pain away, he is no different.
I don't think this is a conversation you need to have with him until you are more serious and then it should be very sensitive and non-judgemental.
Coming out and voicing how you feel he should lose weight when God knows he has probably tried several times and given up just like us could be a very hard blow to him and his self-esteem.
You, if you can hang in there will most likely end up being an encouragement to him.
The truth is, I think somewhere deep inside where we don't want to admit you, as I may be grossed out by people who are overweight. Even though both of us have been there, it is still is pretty gross. That is one of the reasons we ended up making the decision to lose the weight. I know for me at least, the health factor came after the visable one.
Hang in there and enjoy this guy as a friend and companion. Be encouraging to him. Show him the way, help the guy out. Try to look past the outside if you like what you see on the inside.
After all, it was nice when others do it for us.
Love ya always.
LOVE your blog! You are doing awesome.... keep up the good work and keep the posts coming!
Great photo! You look awesome.
ABOVE ALL, before I put in my 2 cents: PRAY, Seek & Wait on The Lord. God is above all and He'll know what's best.
Here's my 2 cents: I have a very dear friend, the only one of my American friends who has ever made plans to come visit me in Australia, Lew. He's just over 40, probably just under 6' and probably close to 400 lbs. I love him - as a brother. My kids call him Uncle Lew. He's the sweetest teddy bear and most loyal friend I've ever had. He has tried to lose weight a few times, Atkins works well for him because he loves bacon! But honestly, I think he's carrying all that weight because of self-guilt and not enough self-love (goes back to a failed marriage and his kids being raised by ex who got the kids taken away by child services... guilt is definitely a factor in his obesity). Just from experience, obesity comes from great emotional problems. Lew is an honourable, integral guy, but not happy emotionally. Thus "S" would not the best influence for your kids. I love Lew to death, but could never see him as boyfriend material (I met him back when I was single) because though I knew he was the most awesome gentleman I'd ever meet (that is, until Johnny came along :) I just couldn't respect the way he disrespected himself by not caring enough to care... does that make sense? ANyway... bottom line is he's probably looking for a relationship to make him happy, but until someone can love themselves, it is difficult to love another. And if one really does loves themself, they wouldn't put up with a death-trap body. He's probably in denial too. Heck, maybe I'm being mean? But I think you should do what's best for you and look around. And also do what's best for him and be honest - you're concerned about being serious with someone with major health problems such as his - You're looking for someone compatible, to live the next 70 years with you!!! Does he think he'll live that long? Maybe he'll start thinking about it, wake up and you could save his life! Anyway, Glad you had a great time and I wish you all the best and I pray for clarity and discernment in this situation. LOVE YA!!! Annalisa
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