Tuesday, August 4, 2020

Guilt is the driving force for depression!

"Guilt is the driving force for depression." my counselor said to me last week.
"What?" I said. "Can you say that again so I can write it down?"

She repeated it and I wrote it down. It was such a profound statement for me that I had to hear it again and I had to write it down so I wouldn't forget. This statement summarized my entire life. I conditioned myself into depression at the age of 44. When I heard that it opened a door for me that I felt I could actually climb out. 

I am doing really really good.....mentally. Physically I am very over weight and I feel very uncomfortable....BUT....that is OK. I am being very gentle on myself in that area. There is NO WAY I would have been able to stick to a healthy eating  pattern and loose weight in my condition just two weeks ago. I was way to debilitated mentally. 

I understand now why people go through "midlife crisis." Your 40s are truly the mid point of your existence. Its the point where you have lived about half of your life and you are able to reflect back at all the good....the bad...the ugly...the sad...the regret...and then turn all that around and from there you have two choices. You can look at the past and all the regret and pain and decide that you couldn't possibly recover from it and live the next 40 years in that same pain and guilt and regret....OR.....you can view the past as a sort of shaping of who you were really meant to be and use it as a stepping stone to help others and most importantly take your existence up a notch and be the best human being that you were meant to be. I always knew I was not meant to live an ordinary mediocre life. I knew that I was meant for greatness. That may not mean that I will be famous or rich...it simply means that I can and will achieve greatness within myself. I do not have to live in the past....but I can live with the story of the past as my tool to greatness. 

The past week has been absolutely wonderful for me. I don't know who or what to give the credit to. Literally two weeks ago I could barely function. My head was heavy, my brain was foggy, I had almost no energy and no hope for the future. I was getting prescriptions from the doctor to help solve it but the medicines made me feel worse. So, I decided to pray. I did it....I prayed and asked God to please help me. I told him I was incapable of living this life on my own and I was sick and I needed help. I also started taking a BUNCH of natural supplements and stopped taking any prescription medication. I am NOT eating healthy all the time yet and that is why my body is still puffy and im not loosing weight but my mental health is FANTASTIC!! I have energy, I have hope, I can dream again and set goals. Who do I credit that too? Ill credit it all to God because he gave us the knowledge for the supplements....but don't get me wrong....I am NOT about to embrace Christianity again....but I can pray. Thats simple enough for me. 

 I find that I am still very erratic in my decision making. I don't like this part of myself. I heard one life give a lecture on the "stories we tell ourself." She said that when we feel sad its because of a story we told ourself, if we are anxious then its because of a story we tell ourself. In essence, we tell ourself these stories and it triggers a feeling. We basically have the ability to control our emotions based on the stories we tell ourselves. It sounds complicated but its really not. I started really paying attention to what I was telling myself, particularly when I would have an anxious moment or a guilt ridden moment. What I found was the stories I was telling myself were completely irrational. For instance, If I couldn't go visit a family member that I promised I would go see I would start to feel guilty after I told them I couldn't come. The guilt came pretty strong and to combat that I would start to think of ways I could make up for my lack by maybe baking some banana bread and dropping it off at there house or crocheting a couple dishrags and dropping it off. I felt so bad that I didnt visit and I thought that maybe they wouldn't like me anymore so I would have to do stuff to make up for it. The stories I would play in my head is that they wouldn't like me anymore because I didnt visit. This was the irrational part and completely not true but my brain couldn't comprehend that.....until now. I have dealt with this sort of guilt for ALL my life. Now that I am able to sit back and listen to the stories I am telling myself when I feel guilty or sad or anxious, I can stop the cycle right in its tracks and put myself on a better path. I hope to learn soon how to completely let go of all the guilt and anxiety wrapped up in these stories I tell myself but it will take practice. 

I have said all of this because as much as I want to loose this extra 50-60 pounds I have gained, it can not be done until I fix the inside first. Loosing weight is more emotional than physical. I know this because if you have followed me for awhile you remember that I lost 135 pounds all on my own.

I am excited to be back loosing weight. Its soon. I know it is....I am so close to being ready.