I am sitting here in my little three bedroom trailer. My son Skyler is in his room, where he spends most of his time, and I have finally mustered up enough mental energy to start posting here again. I believe its been about two years since I have written any words in this blog. I felt that I had to be successful in my life for me to be any kind of inspiration to anyone. But the cold hard truth is that I do not feel successful. I am hoping that by eventually becoming my own inspiration, I will truly feel successful in my life, and with the help of a few professionals that I have lined up to help me with my mental health.
My trailer is quaint. I didn't plan on living on my own when I moved to this little honky town in November of last year (2019.) My plan was to leave my unhappy marriage in Colorado Springs, and move to Kingman Arizona to make myself useful by taking care of my ailing grandma who had recently been diagnosed with dementia. My family was going to have to hire full time care to take care of her and I decided that since nothing was holding me back in Colorado anymore I would move me and my 14 year old son to Kingman, live with her, and take care of her until she went to heaven. The plan seemed pretty straight forward. I thought I had it all figured out. We packed up, said goodbye to family and friends and ventured off with our dog Harley and hit the road. I didnt think I would need any furniture or kitchen stuff so my ex-husband was "gifted" my share of the things we had aquired during our almost seven year marriage. He wasn't complaining.
We arrived in Kingman and things took a turn for the worst. Dementia is not for the faint of heart. My grandma, who had been so special to me all my life, was not the same. Unexpectedly she became very indifferent towards Skyler, my 14 year old autistic son. He was very frightened of her. It made me so sad to see her like that. This was NOT the woman I grew up with and I knew it was not her fault but I could not let my son live in those conditions. She literally thought he was going to kill her and everyone else for that matter and would chase him around the house. He had to lock himself in our room just for safety. This was NOT the plan. I had not brought anything with me to build a house for me and him. Luckly I did have some money so I quickly found an affordable trailer for us to live in and started looking for a job.
I did not have a truck and finding help in this little town is not easy so I had to order all our furniture and most of the other things we needed on Amazon. Thank GOD for Amazon. I was able to make our little trailer a home. I will share pictures.
Then began the hunt for a job. This proved to be very tricky for me. I had spent the last six and a half years being a stay at home mom and running my ex-husbands business. Going back into the work force was challenging. I found that finding time for my workouts or any me time was just overwhelming, and then trying to balance spending time with my grandma (I had to visit her without my son because he was frightened of her) and finding me time and making money was throwing me over the top.
And then.....COVID. Sigh!!
There are many parts of the story above that I am leaving out. There is just so much to share that has put me in this sorry mental place that I am in right now leaving me sad, lonely, and feeling hopeless.
Have you ever THOUGHT that you could handle what was being handed to you....and then realized that you were not handling it well? I am at the point right now where slowing down is not an option. My body, my brain, and my soul are telling me that Im done. I can't handle anymore, yet, you know you have to press on. You have to find hope and something to look forward to or else nothing matters. I am reaching for that hope right now and Im stretched very very thin.
My grandma was put into a nursing home right before Covid hit. It was wonderful to be able to visit her and not be her care taker. I would go and decorate her room and have breakfast with her every morning with her friends in the home. Covid was devastating for us all including her. Her facility went on total lock down. My grandma fell into a deep loneliness because she couldn't see any of us and her health failed. Her doctor approved her for hospice. We knew that if she went on hospice in that nursing home she would die there and we would never see her so my mom, Aunt and Uncle made the decision to pull her out of the nursing home and put her in hospice in her home that she lived in for 35 years and WE would be her 24 hour care givers.
This is all good news right? We get to see her and care for her until the end? I am struggling with it. I didnt know how much of a tole it would take on my mental health. I love being with her but I feel like my body and my brain are shutting down and saying....ENOUGH!!!! Its too much! STOP!!! But I don't know how to slow down. I don't know how to be a good mom to my son, and work a job, and take care of myself, and take care of my grandma. Im lost...and this is very sad for me.
So, I am taking some steps for self improvement and that is why I'm here with you right now. I thought about making a youtube channel or maybe doing instagram....but its just not my style right now. I am a blogger. So if your still here with me here are some steps Im taking.
Im not one to take medicine, in fact I wasn't on any medicine until today. My doctor put me on 25 mg of Zoloft. I have an anxiety pill to help me when things get rough, and I start counseling next week. I bought this desk.
This is the desk Ill be writing to you from as often as I can. Maybe every day if possible. It will be my little corner of the world. I also just bought that cute chair. This blog helped me before. It helped me loose over 100 pounds. Speaking of weight....well.....lets save that for another entry. I hope your out there. I hope someone can relate to me. I hope this works. I want my happy back.
Love,
Me
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