Still trying

I'm sitting here this morning watching "extreme weight loss. " I LOVE watching these kind of shows because they speak to my heart and I relate to them so much. Today's show is a woman about my age who weighed 349 pounds. She is quite a mess. She is sad and her self esteem is very very low. Wow! Sounds exactly like I used to be and sometimes still am. 

I cried for her while I was watching. My heart bleeds for people like this...for people like me. 

One thing about this show that makes me so sad is that these people actually reach there goals within a year or two. I have never been to my goal. I keep thinking "I need to crack the code. " 

I do feel like I am making better choices. If I can power through the weekends then I know I will loose weight. You just can't do good all week and then eat horrible on the weekends. It just doesn't work that way. My one weakness right now is peanut butter and honey on a slice of bread with a glass of milk. It seems like I cannot get through the day without eating that late at night. It has always been my go to snack. But it doesn't necessarily fit into my calorie for the day. It's these little things I would like to improve on. Someday, someday I will weigh 150 pounds. 

My raw feelings on still being obese...

I hope this link works. 

http://youtu.be/OR6XuGqAEjU

A little step forward...

so there is a little bit of weight loss. I can't wait to be under 200 pounds again. I logged into myfitnesspal yesterday and was shocked to find that the last time I logged in I weighed 184. That is devastating to me. I have really taken many steps back. I'm trying to figure out what went wrong and why I gained so much weight over the past five months or so. I can only blame it on my cheat days and my drinking nights. There is no other explanation. Before I got married I didn't need cheat days and although I did a little bit of drinking once a week I believe I drink more now. Don't hear me wrong, I don't have a problem with alcohol but I do believe I was consuming it too much and that is obvious since I've gained weight instead of loosing. It's amazing how I can totally sabotage my weight loss just on the weekends. 

I'm hoping that I am starting a new trend. Last weekend I didn't drink at all and I didn't have any cheat meals. I am aiming for the same results this weekend. 

I feel excited about things again. 

Update on me...making strides...

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What do I want

I've definitely been on the road of self-discovery lately. I can be very confusing finding out what you really want in life. In many areas of my life I already have what I want, a good marriage, great kids, couldn't relationship with God. Somehow I am never satisfied with my weight loss goals. I don't feel like I'm finished, I want more. 

There are so many things I've done right. I've completely changed my way of living and as a result of lost 120 pounds. That's amazing! On the flipside of that I still weigh 200 pounds, and it's 50 pounds heavier than I should be. I've been in this place for two and a half years now. In those two and half years I have still for the most part eating healthy and exercised but I haven't fully committed to losing weight. Just recently in the past two weeks I've finally come to a place mentally where I am fully committed to losing this weight. That's begins the journey of trying to figure out how.

In those tuna half years of trying to figure out how I have tried many different options. None of these options seem to have worked for me. I did get down to 184 pounds, unfortunately I gained it all back and am now back up to 200 pounds. I realize that something is drastic has to change for me to reach my goals. 

This is not easy because I feel like I'm back at the beginning, when I weigh 319 pounds, and I was battling my self. I am most definitely back in the place. I don't know what's going to work for me, but I feel like I need to go back to the basics. I'm going to start blogging again, and I am currently researching the vegan lifestyle. I don't know exactly if it's what I want to do, but I'm living the life already about 50%. It's kind of thrilling to think about starting something new and hard. I can do really hard things so I am interested to see if I can do this. More to come...

The gym

I reinstated my gym membership today. I am a excited to start doing something for myself again. Ill update more later. 

Goals and wishes

I'm so sad lately about my weight loss, or should I say my non-weight loss. How did I loose my focus? I have been helping my husband with our home business but instead of it being a part time job, it has turned into a full time job and I have lost my excitement for the things I love. I just got so discouraged and stressed out. Now I'm sitting here on the couch, it's 5:44 in the morning and wondering what has changed? How did I let life get to me like that? I've been eating cookies for goodness sake. Uggg!! I don't have the answers. I wish I could unlock the key to success. I want to hit my goal weight so bad but I'm letting myself get in the way.
I suspended my gym membership. The kids are out of school and I just wasn't finding the time to go. Instead I was doing at home work outs but I have found that it's really boring after awhile and I miss the people at the gym, and I miss my cardio classes. I want my old schedule back. I really should stop belly aching and just go resubmit my membership. I'm so afraid of going backwards. I weigh 200 pounds again. Now I have 50 pounds to go to get to my goal. Sigh! That makes me sad.