Wednesday, October 7, 2020
Lets have coffee together!!!
Wednesday, September 2, 2020
A new chapter...
Ten months ago I came to this little town to take care of my grandma. If Im being totally honest here, I also came to make a new start and escape a marriage I desperately wanted out of. My grandma needed me, my family needed me and I needed all of them. It seemed like a good idea and in hindsight I suppose it was. I didnt understand all the lessons I was to learn from that decision but I did get some very good quality time with my grandma (who we actually have affectionately called Nana).
A little over a week ago my Nana died. I did not expect to be the one sitting by her bed alone when she took her final breaths but I was. I have never seen someone die. The night I went to her side after working all day I knew the time was near but I think I was ill prepared. I am thankful my mom was there not far across the room when it happened. After we were sure she was gone I remember looking around the room wondering if she was still in it. Maybe she was looking at us. We were singing to her "when we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be!" It was a beautiful moment. If she was looking at us from above her body Im sure she was just as curious as I was about death and what happens right after. I didnt feel any weird sensations when she passed. It wasn't dramatic....just peaceful. She looked like she was sleeping. We got to still be with her for two hours before they took her away. By that time the other members of the family were there. My mom and her siblings couldn't handle being in the room when they wheeled her out of the house. Me and my cousin Ashley watched for them. They were very considerate of us and my Nanas body as they carefully bundled her up and told us to say our goodbyes. We knew it was the last time we would see her. There would be no open casket upon her own wishes.
So my last living grandma is gone. She was in my life pretty frequently for all 44.5 years of my life. When I was younger I used to sometimes let my mind wonder about what it would be like when she passed. The thought of her being gone would make me so depressed that I would dismiss the thoughts immediately, and now...its happened.
I helped carry her to her final resting place. I didnt even know that was an option for me to do until they asked. I felt honored. I knew she wasn't there anymore but it felt right to be part of putting her body to rest. Her body that held my hand and hugged my shoulders too many times to count. She was so many things to me that I couldn't possibly go into them without writing a book. I am so glad I was able to spend so much time with her before she left to live in Heaven. Its bitter sweet. She knew she was dying. She had dementia and she would sometimes ask "am I dying? or am I ok?" We would always tell her that she was ok and she didnt need to be scared.
I guess this is what it feels like to have no grandparents. Ive never had this feeling before. Nana was always there. Just a phone call away. Even when I deemed myself a "not so good granddaughter" and neglected to call or write for a while it didnt matter. She always loved me. She learned to love people unconditionally because she had such a hard childhood and I know she never wanted anyone to feel the way she did.
Im not sure what to do next really. My weeks have previously been filled with working, single parenting, being a grandma, and carving out any time I possibly could to go care for my Nana. Now that piece is gone I guess a new chapter needs to be started.
If we could only get through covid!!!! Ill have to address that in my next blog. My son was just texted for covid. Sigh!!!
Here is my Nana and I being silly just a few weeks before she died. I told her to "stick out her tongue" and she did and then said "your silly!" Sadly a couple weeks after this picture she had a stroke in the middle of the night and was never the same.
Here we are today. This is me and Skyler (my 14 year old son) on our way to get him tested for Covid. Ill touch on that later.
In the meantime, squeeze your loved ones. You don't realize how fast the years go. Take care my friends!!
Monday, August 17, 2020
Weight loss and more....
Sunday, August 16, 2020
Finding my Skinny again
The next page was blank so I personalized it with a quote that I could reflect on and I decorated it with fall stickers. I can't wait for fall!!!!
The next page is your 100 day tracker chart. Ill just use this to be able to check off the days I was able to track my food. I do not expect perfection....but I do expect myself to be consistent and honest about weighting my food down. I also decorated it with some cute fall things.
Tuesday, August 4, 2020
Guilt is the driving force for depression!
Monday, July 27, 2020
Mental health update
Saturday, July 18, 2020
Tattoos and Amazon fails......
For the past few years, as I have discovered my own individuality, I discovered that there were no more religious rules on me and I could decorate my body however I wanted to. I discovered that getting tattoos was so much fun. I felt empowered and pretty. My latest tattoos are beautiful butterflies all the way across my chest and they are encompassed by two big flowers on the sides of both of my shoulders. I LOVE them. After I had them all done my mission was to find shirts that would modestly show them off. I searched everywhere for off the shoulder shirts. I went to Walmart and Walmart and Walmart again. I know that sounds silly but literally the only clothing stores in my small little town are Walmart and Ross. Its really quite boring. I did venture out onto the internet and searched Kohls and I found nothing. I decided to give Amazon a try. There were not many to choose from but I did find one that I thought was simply stunning and fit my style perfectly. I ordered this beautiful off the shoulder shirt a month and a half ago. It was literally coming from China so I would have to put my patience pants on and wait for it. And wait I did. Here is what it was supposed to look like.